You know how sometimes you just get hit in the face with a bunch of bricks all in a short amount of time? (Not literally, I hope) Today was that day for me. Lately I have been trying new churches. On Sunday I tried another new place, making it #3 in my church search. The message yesterday struck me. Of course, it being Easter, the pastor talked about the resurrection and how Jesus laid his life down; which, in all honesty, I never understood fully. I am still no expert - but I do comprehend the sacrifice more than I ever had in the past. She went on to discuss the resurrection of ourselves, how our own new beginnings can set us free. And of course, like all guilty sinners sweating profusely in the pews at church, I felt like she was talking directly to me. That was brick number one. The pressure to have a fresh start has been hard on me for a while, but today I realized that my new beginning doesn’t have to be some grandiose display, or something to prove to anyone else. My resurrection is only for me and my own life.
So, as I have mentioned before, I am a huge fan of the greatest sitcom known to man, “The Office.” Yesterday, I finished the series for the seventh time. (Or eighth? I honestly don’t know anymore.) It’s a show that can turn my whole mood around; it is my medicine, and my pharmacist is Netflix. As I was watching the last few episodes of the series, Pam goes on with this heart breaker:
“It took me so long to do so many important things. It’s just hard to accept that I spent so many years being less happy than I could have been.”
I spent the last couple years of my life dreaming of living somewhere else, having a different life, a different career, a different circumstance. Ever since placing my son I have always said that my biggest fear is wasting more time, but I never realized I was already wasting it by not being present in the days I was living. I never wanted to sit around, “wasting my time” being pregnant and alone, ever again. What an insult, to think I wasted my time in giving my son a life. Some emotions you just can’t unfeel, but I realized that maybe I had misinterpreted my feelings.
So, to top off my already brick-filled day. I went home, read my devotional, and the third and final brick smacked me in the noggin. The devotional for the day was titled, “Blessings and Curses.” So I said to myself, “Great. Why don’t you just drop a brick house on my face.” (That’s me, talking to God.. we are very sardonic when we speak to one another.) Here’s a short snippet:
“Maybe they were curses, but the force of your belief and hope and desperate love for life has brought a blessing from a curse, like water from a stone, like life from a tomb, like the story of God over and over.”
(By the way, the book is called “Savor” by Shauna Niequist… and if that quote can’t convince you to buy it, she also has carefully slipped 21 delectable recipes inside… very crafty.)
This is what I mean when I say that I misinterpreted my feelings. Time wasn’t wasted because of my circumstance, it was wasted because I wasted it. I used my time to sit and dwell on emptiness, and then questioned why I felt so empty. I could have been quenching my thirst all this time, filling my emptiness up with love and the baked french toast recipe on page 235! Think of ALL the slices I could have enjoyed, doused in maple syrup and powdered sugar! UGH.
What I am saying is, don’t waste your days thinking of how you could be spending your days. We are more than capable of making the most out of the lives we are living, even with the hand we've been dealt - no matter how difficult. This post really could be a wake up call for anyone, but especially as birth moms, sometimes we need a little kick in the pants. You know it, I know it, we all know it. We can spend our days looking back on the decisions we could have made, or looking into a clouded dream just to escape the faulty areas in our lives that need attention. But what about today? Know that the grass is green where you water it, and our curses can create blessings. Today is the day we’ve been waiting for, and we can use it for good. Enjoy this beautiful spring week, breathe in each day, and give your day-to-day life the old college try! I think you will like it.