On September 29th, 2009, I gave birth to beautiful, red headed baby girl, the happiest day in any new mother’s life. Yet, immediately after her birth I had a plan to have her taken to her family. I wasn’t going to hold her for at least 12 more hours, so that there would be no chance that I would change my mind, after I signed my parental rights away. This was something that had been planned for a little less than 9 months and yet there were so many emotions I had that left me with no clue how to handle life, let alone an adoption. I had carried this child for 9 months, felt her kick and move and fell in love with this child I hadn’t even met yet. I was happy the birth was over but felt deep grief knowing I wasn’t going to raise her, experience her firsts or hold her as much as possible.
After about 12 hours I signed the paper work and held my little girl for the first time. My mom and aunt asked if I wanted to be alone with her but I said no. Why would I not want to spend time alone with her? I didn’t want to feel the flood of emotions that were trying to come up. I could never admit that I was hurting and had many other emotions no one could ever know about. Not only was I dealing with the adoption but I was also trying to stop my ex-husband from stopping the adoption. For some reason, the only thing I was worried about was whether or not I was allowed to feel regret.
Can you feel regret after doing something so “honorable?”
This question has come up over and over again throughout the past 8 years. People say how brave you were, how honorable this act was and how you could never regret this decision….
Again, can you really regret such an “honorable” choice? Turns out that you can and you are allowed to.
That’s right you are allowed to feel this, you are allowed to feel regret. Funny enough, placing your child for adoption does not, all of a sudden, give you super hero powers to never feel normal human emotions. Don’t let anyone question this, don’t question what you are feeling. Because you did something so “honorable” you should be allowed to feel whatever you want or even don’t want.
Unfortunately, even after almost 8 years, I still feel these emotions and doubt that I should be feeling them. This regret became even more evident after being diagnosed with endometriosis and knowing there could be a possibility of infertility. I have to remind myself that it’s okay for these emotions to come up but I also have to remind myself that I wouldn’t be where I am today if it wasn’t for that little girl and the decision I made. God allowed me to become pregnant to get out of the abusive marriage I was in and use my story to help others. This may not always take away the emotions I feel about the adoption but it gives everything a purpose, it gives me a reason to keep moving forward and praise God for all the blessings in my life.