With all the marches happening this weekend, where do birth moms fit in? It’s no secret that we made the unpopular choice, in fact, the general public seems to enjoy reminding us of this quite frequently. On Facebook recently, there was a video going around of a birth mom who was in the hospital with her son, telling him how much she loved him and why choosing adoption was the best option she had. And just like with everything else that is good, Facebook commenters ruined it. There were horrible comments that criticized the birth mom, judging her and condemning her for the same choice that we made. With everyone picking sides in this divisive time, it’s pretty normal for us birth moms to feel like we don’t fit in anywhere.
Birth moms are the outliers, and this makes it difficult for us to conform to any crowd. It can even be difficult to maintain connections with people that were in our life before placement. Let’s face it, people don’t get us. They don’t comprehend the decision we made. And then there are the other people, the people who voice their unrestrained opinions at any given moment. The nasty comments people make can tear us down. There are remarks that people have said to me that have festered in my heart and soul for months. You know what I’m talking about, these are the kind of hateful comments that make you have an imaginary argument in the shower… where you finally get the chance to say what you should have said right to their face. Discouraging? Yes. The end of the world? Certainly not.
This specific hardship is one of the most important reasons why post-placement support is so necessary for us. (You hear that, adoption professionals?!) Finding women like ourselves is often the only feeling of familiarity that we have in accordance with our identity of being a birth mom. Presently, some of my closest friends are also birth moms. This is because we are able to connect on a deeper level as a result of the similar events we have experienced.
So, why don’t we fit into anyone’s picture? Are we mothers, are we not? Why are we are the afterthought in so many stories? When people speak of adoption, why are we the last to be mentioned? Why are we constantly stigmatized and picked apart for our one decision? The answers to all these questions would be invalid if they were answered by society, simply because THEY DON’T MATTER. But then, if we answered the questions ourselves, who would they satisfy?
Round and round we go, where it stops, nobody knows. If you’ve spent part of this weekend feeling like you don’t quite fit in, don’t fret. It doesn’t matter where we fit into society. We are not wholly defined by one life decision, and we certainly don’t need other people to dictate our acceptance and association. So if you can, let it roll off.
P.S. If you read this and you thought, wait a second… I want to have a birth mom friend! Contact me, and you’ll gain at least one (but probably more).