I had some reflections over the weekend, so I thought I would share. If you are a couple years post-placement, you know that grief comes in waves. Some of the phases of grief, like depression, are intense and overwhelming. Some stages, at least for me, are a flicker of a feeling that hangs around uninvited, just like a rock in my shoe. Resentment is a rock in my shoe. I can tolerate it, I can pretend it’s not there, but after a while, I have to shake it out.
For me personally, I have a lot of resentment toward the birth father. However, my resentment isn’t what most would imagine. The resentment is not an agonizing animosity that flushes my face and clenches my teeth; it is only a paper cut. But this paper cut stings when something pricks it open, and it’s slow to heal because it’s right on my knuckle and it opens every time I hold something in my hand. My paper cut resentment doesn’t look like much, but it hurts like hell.
My resentment stems from rejection and desertion. How dare you hold our lives in your hands and let go. My resentment is a splinter buried deep in my palm. I cannot see it very clearly, but I feel the pain of the puncture.
My rock-in-my-shoe-paper-cut-splinter-in-my-palm resentment is concealed but persistent. Resentment is one of those things that will eat at us from the inside out until we’re nothing but hollow bones. My best advice? Deep breath. Now another one. And another. Keep going. Tell yourself it’s valid, it’s okay, but it’s not helping. Accept the rejection, accept the desertion, and choose to take a step forward. Is it a baby step? Fine. Is it a smidge? Fine. Is it a step that’s so small it’s invisible to the naked eye? Fine. We have to go forward from resentment and know that we are not abandoned in this new beginning.
I’ll leave you with two things today: a verse that I repeated to myself over the weekend, and a song that has absolutely nothing to do with this post, but it puts a smile on my face and a groove in my soul. I hope you all have a beautiful week... don't forget to shake out your shoes.
We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.
2 Corinthians 4:8-10